people who have the same name as me are competition
I’m not saying you’re in love with him but louis i think you’re in love with him
I didn’t suspect anything for the six first years of my life.
First thing I started noticing was how people wouldn’t stop speaking french around me like it was the only language they knew… Why would they do this? Did they want to sound sophisticated or something?? It pissed me off so much. And there was this croissant thing too!! I just kept on seeing them everywhere like it was normal breakfast food???
But I remember the day I really freaked out and realised what I was. It was on a sunday. When I woke up in the morning earlier than usual because I heard my dad coming home. He likes going for walks in the early morning. That’s his thing. What a weirdo. So, I went out of my room and proceeded to ask him where he’d been.
And he looked at me. He looked at me and -I KID YOU NOT- he just told me he’d went out to buy a baguette for breakfast. A baguette. Here he was, the holy procreator of nerds, a baguette under one arm, a smile on his face. Like he was fucking proud of himself or something. He couldn’t see what he’d done.
Suddenly everything made sense in my head. The blue, white and red flag I was seeing everywhere. The general grumpiness of everyone. The huge metal tower that looked a lot like the Eiffel Tower I kept on seeing on postcards in shops. The complaining. The obsession with wine. The weird smelly cheeses.
"Dad" I said in a shaky voice "are you… are we…"
How no one managed to speak english properly. How my grandparents had once eaten snails in front of me. The awful dubbing of the tv shows. The azerty keyboards. The crême brûlée.
"Are we french?" I asked, tears in my eyes.
He could have denied it. He could have changed the subject. He could have laughed and maybe -maybe- everything would have just gone back to normal.
"Am I french?" I said again.
He could have lied. But he didn’t. He answered in a slow, deep voice :
how far will 1d go to avoid putting girls in their music videos, an ongoing voyage of discovery
live while we’re young - any girls present are somewhere in the background. the only love interests are giant microphones, inflatable bananas, and each other.
little things - boys only. all encouraging and respectful declarations of love are sung tenderly to each other.
kiss you - boys only. rate of onscreen snogging increases by 100%.
one way or another - any girls present are small children.
best song ever - any girls present are zayn.
story of my life - any girls present are family members.
midnight memories - any girls present are senior citizens.
you and i - any girls present are sea gulls. apparently it was the only way to make this song the romantic selfcest + bodyswap ballad it was always meant to be. you know when you’re prompting a fic like, “i want accidental boyfriends, bonus points for breathplay”? someone must’ve said, ”ben winston, i want niall to make love to himself, bonus points for zarry bodyswap!!” and voila this video, nothing has ever been more romantic, not even the gods above can separate the two of us BECAUSE YOU’RE EITHER THE SAME DUDE OR YOU JUST TURNED INTO YOUR BANDMATE.
look we know how bodyswap works. buttsex and zayn’s high note are the only way back.
steal my girl - all love interests are either danny devito or a chimpanzee
Weird. It’s almost like people who do not get pregnant don’t even need abortions.
IN OTHER NEWS WATER IS WET
IN RELATED NEWS: SCIENTISTS HAVE PROVEN THAT THE EARTH REVOLVES AROUND THE SUN.
NOW OVER TO JIM WITH THE SPORTS REPORT
“WELL BOB IT APPEARS BASKETBALL IS INDEED PLAYED WITH A BASKET. AND A BALL.”
TODAY, UNDER A FUCKING ROCK UNIVERSITY’S DEPARTMENT OF REALLY OBVIOUS SHIT PUBLISHED AN ARTICLE ENTITLED “THAT’S HOW IT FUCKING WORKS, YOU FUCKING DIPSHITS” IN THE JOURNAL OF THINGS I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU FOR GODDAMN FREE. AMERICAN POPULACE AWAITS A LAYMAN’S INTERPRETATION.